Posts Tagged ‘Connie Dieken’

Gaining Confidence in Front of a Room

Tuesday, June 29th, 2010 by Connie Dieken

You might be surprised at how many executives say they lack confidence in front of audiences and want to gain the skill.

Here’s a nerve-wracking experience that I keep in mind as I coach high-powered leaders who want to improve their presentation skills. It starts in my rear view mirror, back when I was sixteen years old. My high school business teacher entered me in the Future Business Leaders of America speech contest. First of all, you should know that I had never given a speech before.  Secondly, I was raised in a humble family in a tiny Indiana farm town, so I had no clue what topic to choose for a business speech.  I certainly didn’t have any compelling business nuggets that would rock Wall Street to its core.

As the deadline to select my topic approached, and with no sudden emergence of business acuity, I chose a simple, safe speech title: “Confidence is the Key.” Yes, I know – my topic choice was part lame, part prophetic.

When the day of the speech arrived, I stood before the audience in my self-styled seersucker suit with a homemade poster as my visual. The poster was canary yellow, featuring a giant black key that I’d cut out of construction paper and carefully glued next to my emphatic magic marker title. You get the level of sophistication. Unlike a James Bond Martini, I was shaken and stirred as I dug deep and delivered my heart-felt message. I’ll get to the outcome of the contest in a moment – it’s pertinent, I promise.

Luckily, my grasp of presentation skills has evolved a bit since high school, so here are a few secrets to help you become a remarkably confident communicator, despite your nerves:

  • Forget the underwear. The solution to overcoming nerves is not to picture the audience in their underwear – that’s a tired old tale.  Instead, the smart solution is to shift your focus to serving the audience. Make this your new presentation mantra: the purpose of my presentation is the people. The people. It’s not about creating killer slides. Not about seeing how much information you can cram in. Not about whether your mouth is dry or you’re sweating through your jacket.  Your mission is to create a positive experience that will influence people to act. Shift your focus to serving the audience and an amazing transformation will happen.
  • Confidence is situational. If you think self-confidence and self-esteem are interchangeable words, hit the reset button. Confidence is the expectation of a positive outcome in a specific situation.  It’s very different from self-esteem and your underlying sense of worth.  The key to a confident presentation is to prepare for the specific situation.  Smart preparation will help you wrestle your nerves to the ground.  Expect a positive outcome in this one specific situation, prepare for it with a sound strategy, and you’ll achieve it. Every time.
  • Lacking confidence is selfish. You read that right. It sounds harsh, so let me explain. If you lack confidence in a presentation it means that you’re focusing your attention squarely on yourself.  Everyone gets butterflies before presenting.  I know I still do. But butterflies are actually a good sign because it means that you’re taking the presentation seriously.  You have a choice: you can let the butterflies undermine the situation by focusing on your own feelings — or you can use them as an edge to redirect your focus and take your audience to a higher level.
  • Forget perfection – think excellence. Please understand that this is a huge statement coming from a recovering perfectionist. When you stop worrying about being flawless, people will start relating to you. Aim for excellence instead of absolute perfection. Truth be told, people see right through the illusion of perfection anyway and value genuine, relatable human beings, warts and all. Spewing endless, perfect factoids with a flawless style leaves people cold and that’s a confidence killer.
  • Don’t slip into “presentation mode.” Do you morph into a faux-heavyweight version of yourself when you present?  Stay centered. You’re good enough.  If there’s a glitch, stay light and handle it graciously or humorously. Turn mistakes into advantages. You’ll light a fire by aiming for people’s hearts, not their heads. Take the pressure off of yourself  and see how much better people respond to you. Isn’t that the point of business communication – getting a positive response?

Since you’ve stuck around this long, I’ll share how my high school business speech contest ended. The sixteen year old mini-me surprised myself by winning the state and regional contests with my “Confidence is the Key” presentation. I then packed up my poster board and boarded my first-ever airplane to the national finals where I became the top loser in America.  In other words, I was first runner-up nationwide.  The judges chose an experienced eighteen year with big city business ideas as the top Future Business Leaders of America speech winner.

Rightfully so. The winning speech was content-rich and well-delivered. I learned that content and delivery are equally important to your success and I’m passionate about  sharing the secrets to reaching this presentation nirvana with executives today.

Clearly, confidence is a key to business success. But I don’t recommend a goofy poster board.

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How to Conquer Criticism

Tuesday, April 27th, 2010 by Connie Dieken

Goldman Sachs executives were skewered on Capitol Hill this week.  They were sach-ed. The men faced blistering cross examination by the Senate on the firm’s mortgage market and its role in the country’s financial collapse.

During their time on the hot seat, the current and former leaders, along with the prolific e-mail braggart known as “Fabulous Fab,” were lambasted with biting questions and criticism from outraged lawmakers. Unrepentant, resistant, and uneasy, the executives denied responsibility as lawmakers ripped into them.

Can you imagine handling that kind of fiery criticism?  Many businessmen and women are fearful of being blasted in the workplace following presentations or even in team meetings.

As I’ve coached high-powered executives for the past decade, I’ve heard a recurring theme: the fear of criticism. It’s the fear that you’ll be judged harshly or won’t measure up to expectations. This fear is growing because we’re living in a world that encourages cheap shots. Snarky people abound on the Internet and otherwise, unleashing their inner Simon Cowell, judging others severely.

Here’s the problem: fear of criticism is like kryptonite to executives.  It has a crippling effect, draining your power and influence. It can cause you to hold back instead of contributing.  It may lead you to be defensive when well-meaning people offer constructive feedback. Or it may cause you to play it too safe and offer a vanilla version of what could have been a much more compelling contribution.

Even the most capable leaders can be crippled by a secret fear of criticism.  Here are a few tips to help you overcome it:

  • Resist the temptation to be defensive. Do you often jump in and cut off criticism with a knee-jerk defensive reaction?  If so, you may unwittingly escalate the situation.  Cutting off tough critics often causes them to grow more determined. As a result, they may zap you even harder next time. Defensiveness and evasiveness can also turn off well-meaning allies.
  • Keep the criticizer’s intent in mind. Bosses, co-workers and others in your life may offer feedback because they want to help you.  Their constructive feedback may be intended to help you improve your performance, not as a cheap shot or a grandstanding opportunity. Consider their true intent. Maybe they’re sharing wisdom from their own lessons learned. Is it possible you’re overly sensitive to criticism?
  • Ride the wave. One of the best approaches to handling criticism is to listen carefully and let the person finish completely.  Resist the temptation to deflect point-by-point. By hearing their full point of view, you stand the best chance to uncover the real issue and correct what may need to be fixed.
  • Conquer your inner critic. Often, the critical voice in your head is carrying too much weight. It can be far worse than anyone else’s potshot. Give it a rest. Starting today, create a positive daily dialogue to overrule your habit of critical self-talk.
  • Don’t be an avoider. There’s an old saying, “To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.” Clearly avoidance isn’t the answer. Turn it around. Face it.  Get the confrontation over with instead of dreading it all day. Often, reality isn’t nearly as bad as the situation you imagined and avoided.

Some people trace their fear of criticism back to childhood, when they experienced excessive criticism that’s gotten stuck in their head like a broken record.  Others have received tongue-lashings from hypercritical bosses and had their confidence crushed.

Whatever its source, learning to conquer criticism gracefully is a sign of maturity and leadership.

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How to Communicate with An Interrupter

Tuesday, March 30th, 2010 by Connie Dieken

It appeared to be an ambush worthy of the Kayne West Seal of Approval.  Recently, an Academy Award winner was rudely interrupted mid-acceptance by a woman who appeared to big foot her way into his big moment. More than 41 million telecast viewers were confounded. Twitter and Facebook erupted with news of “the interrupter.”

Turns out, the interrupter was no interloper.  She was his co-winner. Tangled in a credit-hogging turf war, the two had raced to the stage to get in the first word. He ran a lot faster. As she burst onto the glittering platform, she hijacked the microphone and cut him off before clutching her shiny statuette.

What does this case of communication-interruptus have to do with you?

Chances are someone has rudely interrupted you in the last 24 hours, if not the last 24 minutes.  Interrupting is escalating. Cutting people off and talking over them has become the new norm in our demanding, impatient, instant gratification world.  The Academy Award scene is playing out everywhere – in boardrooms, meeting rooms, lunchrooms, phone calls, even on Capitol Hill. Everybody wants to get a word in edgewise.

Isn’t it frustrating to be plowed over by someone who thinks the only voice worth listening to is his own?  Beyond simple rudeness on the part of some communicators, I’d like to offer a few possibilities on why more people are cutting you off, how to prevent it, and how to handle those relentless, habitual interrupters.

Why it’s happening

Face it, some people are rude.  But these old school interrupters are now joined by a new breed of interrupters: The Chronically Impatient.  Buoyed by instant technology and addicted to speed, these pragmatic people are having a tough time tolerating long winded ramblers. The Chronically Impatient value time, clarity, and action and they want you to get to the point, pronto. If you dilly dally, they’ll either nudge you with a brief interjectory question or they’ll outright overpower you and butt in as if your words don’t matter.

How to prevent it

  • Sound confident. If you speak with conviction, people are more likely to show their respect by listening instead of dismissing your ideas and talking over you.
  • Don’t be long winded. Lengthy explanations invite interruptions, so get to your point quickly. One technique I lay out in Talk Less, Say More is to frontload your messages to meet people’s specific needs and values. Busy people want you to convey brief, meaty ideas so they can get back to the gazillion others things on their to-do lists.
  • Don’t hog the floor. Sometimes people interrupt because it’s the only way they feel they can get a word in edgewise. Do you dominate discussions? If so, that may induce interruptions. Watch for signals and be aware of when others want to contribute.
  • Stop speed talking. If you’ve ever received feedback that you’re a fast talker, chances are you’re often interrupted. Why? After all, you’re talking as fast as you can. Bingo. Some people can’t digest what you’re saying at a high rate of speed, so they cut in to catch up.

How to handle interrupters

Managing interrupters is situational.  The first step is to figure out why people are cutting in.  Are they rude or are you inadvertently inviting interruptions? If you feel it’s the other person’s fault, here are a few options to handle the situation:

  • The polite but firm “right back at ya.” Sometimes you must return the dirty deed with a polite retort, saying something like, “Excuse me, Debbie, but I didn’t get to finish.  I’d like to add that…”
  • The private chat. If a problem persists, privately inquire, “Did you realize that you frequently interrupt me? Is there something I can do to help solve the issue?” Often, pragmatic people are used to being rewarded for being a contributor and they have no idea they’re hurting your feelings.
  • Establish meeting rules. In some office cultures, meetings are a free-for-all. If enough people are upset, why not work out a system for taking turns?  Allot a time limit and seek contributions from everyone.  If people know they’ll have an opportunity to talk, they’re more likely to wait their turn.
  • Keep right on talking. Dealing with a relentless interrupter who just won’t stop?  The unconventional, last ditch approach of forging ahead with your sentence and adding more volume delivers a jarring and unmistakable message. It conveys that you’re sick of being rudely interrupted and you’re just not taking it anymore.

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How to Communicate With an Egomaniac

Wednesday, February 24th, 2010 by Connie Dieken

The world’s most famous athlete and a two-time presidential contender both torpedoed their careers with their self-destructive narcissism. Tiger Woods referred to his ego- maniacal state as a “sense of entitlement” in his televised mea culpa. John Edwards outed himself as a narcissist in an ABC interview after he was caught cheating on his cancer-stricken wife.

Perhaps there’s someone in your world who’s narcissistic. You may find it challenging to communicate with a person who’s grown accustomed to being puffed up by praise and attention. Surrounded by deferential people – their power walls adorned with plaques  – they’ve become bloated versions of themselves. How do you get your message across to a person with an inflated ego?

Let’s back up for a moment. You may not have put a label on their behavior, but here are a few clues to help you identify the egomaniac in your life. You can often peg a narcissist by their:

  • grandiose sense of self-importance
  • self-absorption
  • sense of entitlement
  • impulsiveness
  • craving for excessive admiration
  • preoccupation with power
  • lack of empathy
  • judgmental, critical nature
  • belief that rules don’t apply to them
  • intolerance to setbacks or slights
  • explosive anger when frustrated

Know anyone like that? Let’s set aside their vanity (and their sexual vitality in the case of our two high-profile narcissists) and focus on their behavior towards YOU when they get frustrated. Ever been the target of a narcissist’s anger or condemnation? Their once-charming personality morphs into melt-down mode. They lob verbal grenades at you and howl at the moon. It’s painful to be on the receiving end of their demanding, demeaning behavior.

Here are 5 quick tips to help you communicate more effectively with a narcissist:

  1. Give them options. Beneath their bluster, narcissistic people fear being left out of the loop. They crave control. It’s far better to offer them options to choose from, rather than feeding them ready-made decisions. They’ll tear other people’s decisions to shreds. Giving them options helps them feel respected and in control. It also prevents nasty hissy fits.
  2. Focus on solutions, not problems. When you explain a problem or a challenge to a narcissist, direct attention to the solution. Don’t allow them to dissect the problem over and over again. Narcissists love drama and revel in the chaos. They’re easily agitated when frustrated. Define problems and present possible solutions, so they don’t smell blood in the water and tear you apart.
  3. Make them the hero. Narcissists are preoccupied with power and truly believe they are special and unique. They live for attention and admiration. Want them to do something? Tell them how great they are at it and watch them perform. Better yet, praise their performance in front of others. Just keep it real, please.
  4. Let them think it’s their idea. Narcissists often steal the credit for ideas that aren’t theirs. Why do they do that? Strangely, they truly believe that hijacked results are their own. Grabbing credit is a driving force for them. If this gets things done, I say learn to live with it. Over time, everyone will catch on – wink, wink. Meantime, graciously transferring credit for ideas to them makes things happen.
  5. Manage their emotional blind spot. Egomaniacs lack empathy. They’re so caught up in their own world that it doesn’t occur to them to consider your feelings or viewpoints. It’s a huge blind spot. You must put your own feelings on the table if you choose to do so. Just be smart about sharing feelings with a narcissist. Brace yourself for the guilt trips and disparaging criticism that narcissists often dole out when others explain how they feel.

For those of you stuck in a tough relationship – either professionally or personally – I hope you’ll find these tips helpful and will pass them on to others who need them. I believe the key to communicating successfully with a narcissist is to smartly manage the relationship, not just cope with it.

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Did This CEO Hit the Sweet Spot?

Sunday, January 17th, 2010 by admin

Kraft Chairman and CEO Irene Rosenfeld is scrambling to persuade shareholders that her company’s $17 billion bid to buy British candymaker Cadbury is good for both companies. Her pursuit has drawn poor reactions from both Cadbury’s shareholders and Kraft’s biggest shareholder, Warren Buffett.

I’ll tie this career-defining move to the CEO’s habitual Tilt-A-Whirl head movements (see the photo on the right from a different event) in a moment. First, let’s get your head straight on the essentials.

Rosenfeld is seeking to transform the world’s No. 2 food company into an even bigger global juggernaut – but some feel she hasn’t hit the sweet spot with this takeover attempt.

After Cadbury complained that her price was too low, she told investors that she planned to issue new stock to help pay for the purchase. Buffett, America’s most influential investor, responded with a public smackdown; a press release warning her not to sell stock or increase her price lest it destroy value for Kraft’s shareholders. Don’t spend too much, he urged, as he tried to rein her in.  She has until January 19 to make her final offer. Kraft shareholders will vote February 1 on whether to issue more stock. Cadbury stockholders will vote on February 2.

Now, in an effort to convince shareholders and save the deal, the 56-year old CEO is trying to placate both groups. Kraft has posted a video on its corporate website of Rosenfeld being interviewed by a British woman.

Her message in this video is influential but unfortunately, a distracting body language habit trumps the brilliant woman’s point of view. It’s a case of the eyes trump the ears. People must buy into the messenger before they buy into the message. Rosenfeld comes across as a human Tilt-A-Whirl, constantly tilting her head from side-to-side as she speaks.  Left-right-left-right-left-right.  In addition, in an apparent attempt to appear warm and likable, the CEO plasters on a smile throughout the interview, even when it’s not warranted.

Here are two quick presentation/media coaching tips to help you prevent undermining your executive presence with nervous body signals:

  1. Avoid tilting your head. It looks coy and cute.  It’s not a powerful professional move unless you happen to work on the Las Vegas Strip. If that’s not your line of business, keep your head on straight.
  2. Plastered-on smiles don’t cut it. Yes, you’ve heard many times that you should smile, and in most cases you should. But here’s the real truth about smiling: If your smile doesn’t come across as genuine, it can backfire on you. Make sure your smile is heartfelt.

People monitor you for the signals you send. Project a balance of likability and credibility to hit the sweet spot.  Don’t let nervous energy undermine your credibility.  To learn more about how your energy level is tied to your ability to influence others, read chapter 12 of my book, Talk Less, Say More.

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10 Radically Different Resolutions for 2010

Tuesday, January 5th, 2010 by admin

Top 10 Communi-lutions to Improve How People Respond to You In Our Distraction-Driven Decade


Most of us resolve to shed extra pounds, get out of debt, or be more organized as we strive to reinvent ourselves in the New Year. But as the odometer turns over for 2010, what if we focus on a more professionally profound improvement?

Why not resolve to improve how people respond to you? Think of it as your New Year’s “Communi-lutions.” After all, interpersonal communication is radically different in today’s information-overload, distraction-driven decade, so isn’t it time to upgrade your ability to sell your ideas and lead effectively?

Here are my Top 10 Communi-utions to influence your world in the decade ahead:

1.Stop Informing, Start Influencing

The most important communication resolution you can make this year is to transform from being informational to influential. Stop data dumping like a linear play-by-play announcer. Instead, convert into the analyst – the color commentator. Your goal should be to shape people’s understanding and actions, not to dispense information.

2. Stay in Their Moment

Conquer today’s endless distractions by managing your own attention first. Resolve to be right here, right now when speaking with others. Focus on meeting their needs and values, instead of being caught up in your own concerns. Scan for signals and listen for values.

3. Frontload

Don’t bury the lead. People are impatient and overloaded today. Quickly nail your big idea and marry it to what’s most relevant to your listener.  People must grasp what’s in it for them – pronto – or they will tune you out. Frontloading your message is the antidote to rambling.

4. Use Goldilocks Candor

As a leader, you must get issues on the table in order to improve performance, so using the right level of candor is crucial. Think of it as a Goldilocks test: Not too hard, not too soft – it’s just right. Goldilocks candor prevents two common missteps: demoralizing and sugarcoating.

5. The Eyes Trump the Ears

Vision – the dominant sense – is a shortcut to clarity. Don’t create confusion with an avalanche of words. Use visuals instead of text whenever possible to help people analyze and understand new information, and integrate it quickly.

6. Talk in Triplets

Three is the world’s most powerful number because our minds crave information in multiples of three. If you want to ensure the clarity of a lengthy or complicated message, tap into the trilogy and use portion control by structuring your message around three key points.

7. Tell Stories

Stories have a longer shelf life than mind-numbing facts because they create mind pictures. Like a good movie, success stories and cautionary tales help others absorb, retain, and repeat your information and ideas.

8. Sound Decisive

Most people are surprised to learn that they don’t sound as decisive as they feel. Weak language and habitual hedging strip you of power. The language of leadership is decisiveness. It’s time to stop wavering and start firming up your communications.

9. Transfer Ownership

Let them own it and they’ll do it. People should feel as if they’re volunteering, not surrendering. A sense of self-discovery is often the difference between gaining commitment or compliance.   Shift your ideas and decisions to others so they will embrace them and act.

10. Adjust Your Energy

People constantly monitor you for the signals that you send.  Your vocal, facial, and body signals are crucial for a very powerful reason: reciprocity. People give back to you what you give to them. Most of us need an energy boost to balance likability and credibility, which generates commitment and action from others.

_________________________

onPoint Communication founder Connie Dieken transforms leaders into influential communicators. She’s the author of Talk Less, Say More, named a top business book for 2009.  A former Emmy Award-winning TV news anchor, Connie is an inductee of the Radio/Television Broadcasters Hall of Fame, winner of a Top 10 Women’s Business Owners Award, and an in-demand keynote speaker. You can reach her at Connie@StayOnPoint.com.

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Did Balloon Boy Take You for a Ride?

Sunday, October 18th, 2009 by admin

Balloon boy matrixThe balloon boy’s dad, Richard Heene, thought he’d convinced America that his eccentric family should have its own reality show.

Instead, he got a reality check.

Why? We were on to him, suspicious of his communication style from the get-go. The circumstances leading up to the Jiffy Pop balloon escapade were telling:  the Wife Swap appearances.  The rant-filled video of the balloon release. The former colleagues calling Heene a narcissistic attention-seeker.

Dad got precisely the attention he didn’t want when his non-balloon boy opened his mouth on live TV. Falcon revealed what six year olds often do – the truth.  “You said we did it for the show,” he replied to dear old dad, talking too much.

Whoops. The family’s alibi just floated away.

So what does this have to do with you in the workplace?  Everything.  We’re living in a skeptical world.  Even when you try to convince others to buy into your ideas and decisions legitimately, people are suspicious they’re being duped. The more you talk, the less they believe. The new default status is to assume that people are pulling a fast one.

In my new book, Talk Less, Say More, I lay out the three habits you need to influence others  successfully in our demanding 21st century world. The 3 habits are to Connect-Convey-Convince®.   Heene’s stunt soared through the first two habits by engaging and laying out a strong storyline, but his balloon popped as he attempted the third and trickiest habit, to convince.

First, let’s get clear about what I mean by convincing, which is very different from manipulating.  The difference is intent. Manipulators like Richard Heene focus on their own needs and theirs alone.  They’re determined to get their way, regardless of their impact on others.  They’ll steamroll, lie, or talk too much  in order to get what they want. Ultimately,  a manipulator’s story doesn’t ring true, so he/she fails to convince.

It’s a tremendous challenge to influence behaviors, decisions and actions in today’s skeptical world. Here are three strategies to help you convince honestly and successfully:

  1. Sound decisive. Stop babbling and backpedaling.  Caught in a tangled web when his son outed him, Heene started backpedaling. He stalled as he tried to come up with an plausible answer as to why Falcon said, “we did it for the show.”  With the evidence mounting against him, dad’s balloon of confidence deflated.  He sidestepped by blaming the media, and he came across as deceptive.
  2. Transfer ownership. You need peer power in order to convince others to buy in. That means you must shift your ideas and decisions to others so they’ll embrace them.  Did Heene have peers in his life who backed him up?  No.  One by one, former colleagues stepped forward to trash the guy. They essentially called him a media whore.  His peers weren’t convinced that he was telling the truth, so we weren’t either.
  3. Adjust your energy. It’s critical to choose the right energy level for the situation.  Mom and pop Heene seemed to have hit the sweet spot for the 911 call and the ensuing police visit at the house.  The cops who monitored the family on lift-off day thought the Henne family got the verbal and body language right.  But they couldn’t sustain it.  Why? Energy feeds on itself. Once the Heene’s went off-script, they were done in.  Turns out the “amateur scientist” was also an amateur actor. Dad’s body language when young Falcon talked too much on CNN was a giant red flag.  Dad’s face, body and tone of voice changed drastically and revealed that he was lying.

Heene’s plan to land a reality gig crash landed, and not nearly as gently as the Jiffy Pop balloon in the newly-ploughed field.  Instead of facing reality TV cameras, Heene and his wife are now facing federal charges. Bottom line?  Convincing is not a thunderbolt event.  It’s not a once-and-done episode. It’s a sequence of events that unfolds incrementally, earning others’ trust and respect.  And that’s not hot air.

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